Armavir. History of one city

Armavir is a beautiful Russian city in which Armenians live. At this point, its similarity with other Russian cities ends and the differences begin. The first difference is that if in other Russian cities Armenians live since the construction of shopping centers and cafes in these cities, then Armavir was originally built around the Armenian family of land-workers of the Khatstukhyans, who arrived on the then deserted bank of the Kuban river with the hope of a calm and full life under the wing of Russia.


After settling in, the Khatstuhyan family suddenly changed their mind about plowing the land and decided to start their own business, that is, to open the trade in pita bread. While there were no buyers, a large family traded among themselves. The brother bought lavash from his brother and sold it to his sister, she sold it to his children, the children — grandmother or grandfather, they, in turn, bargained for a long time among themselves and the lavash ended up at the grandmother’s niece, who started the new round of trade and market relations in the morning . Hatstuhyanov had one lavash in those ancient times, as the oven did not make any more sense. New baked only when the old stale and it became difficult to sell, even his own. Some time later, Khatstuhyanov heard rumors that thirty more Armenian families were descending from the mountains to them. Hatstuhyans were delighted and baked thirty lavash for sale, but the trade did not go at first. When all these families came down, it turned out that out of thirty twenty-nine went down, they also unexpectedly wanted to trade in pita bread and only one family decided to engage in private carrying. In the end, this Khatstuhyans family sold all their pita breads, becoming the richest family in the as-yet-unnamed aul.

Armenian families began to descend from the mountains in already entire villages and soon about four hundred families lived in the village. Then the first question arises — why the Armenians, having a beautiful country of Armenia, do not want to live in it? The answer was given by American scientists from the University of California, Los Angeles, where the largest Armenian diaspora in the world is concentrated. After many years of research, scientists found out that, it turns out, Armenians subconsciously consider Armenia not as a country, but as a large maternity hospital and kindergarten in which they are born, take the first steps and from where they are discharged into adulthood after a few years.

And the future city of Armavir, due to its good location, became an ideal transit point between the kindergarten and this adult life. Thus, the Khatstuhians, who were the first to choose an unremarkable piece of land on the banks of the Kuban River, went down in history, cutting a window into the world for their relatives. Or rather, the gate, as the traffic of Armenians from Armenia to all continents through the still nameless aul increased exponentially every year.

Finally, in 1848, Armenian families settled in this aul understood that it was time to give at least some name to their place so that Armenians descending from the mountains could clearly explain to border guards where they were going. Petros, at that time the head of the Khatstukhian family, not only the richest, but also the most respected family in the area, suggested calling the village Armavir, in honor of the ancient capital of Armenia. The proposal, of course, accepted. Then, having appropriated the aul, thanks to Caucasian enterprise and the Russian authorities’ love for money, the status of the village and then the city, the Armenians engaged in attracting buyers of lavash of non-Armenian nationality to Armavir, as the lavash of local Armenians did not bring any benefit to these families. And soon the first non-Armenian inhabitants appeared in the city. It was the highlanders of the fortress and the Russian mercenary artisans, then the military, and after a while, when the railway ran through the village, railway workers and passengers appeared. The serfs, artisans and railway workers worked, the military guarded, the trains brought hungry passengers, the Armenians in the stalls were selling lavash and everyone was happy with each other. The old Armenian dream of a full and peaceful life under the protection of Russia came true.

For the sake of justice, it must be said that Armenians are not only able to trade. Among them are many excellent doctors and builders, poets and teachers, filmmakers and football players, but they also sell pita bread. Why is this happening, scientists from the French Marseille University, where the most numerous Armenian diaspora in Europe lives, found out. It turns out that the whole thing is in a certain genome, which is called the “lavash genome” and is present only in Homo sapiens, representing the Armenian nation. Moreover, the Armenians who remain in Armenia (there are few of them, but they exist) also have such a genome, but in a dormant state, and as soon as an Armenian appears in Armavir, this genome awakens and begins to function actively, regardless of education or profession its carrier.

The brightest and most recent example is the history of the tractor driver from Gyumri, Samvel Poghosyan, who, after staying in Armavir just an hour before leaving for the United States, opened a stall with lavash in New York airport ten minutes after arrival, without even going through customs control. For a year now, the US authorities can do nothing with it, since formally the stall is outside the jurisdiction of the United States. And Samvel’s brother, Garik, flying for a few days forever to visit his brother in the States, began trading right on the plane, locking the crew of the airliner in the toilet and releasing the pilots just before boarding. He was not even able to be arrested for this, since immediately after landing he mingled with a crowd of Armenians who had flown in and greeted the Armenians and disappeared into a stall with his brother. Of course, there are Armenians who, having moved through Armavir to another country, trade not shoes, but shoes, but this is only an exception, confirming the rule. As well as Armenian taxi drivers, descendants of the family, which was the only one that did not want, once they were in the place of the future Armavir, they sold lavash and went into private cabs. By the way, Armenian taxi drivers are considered the face of many cities in the world, starting from Sochi and ending with San Francisco, and the phrase “Where to go, brother?”, Pronounced with an Armenian accent, is the first phrase heard by guests of all major airports.

It is the presence in Armavir of some mysterious forces that induce the “lavash genome” to take active actions, is the second and main difference between Armavir and other Russian cities. An Armenian who arrived, for example, in Tambov directly from Armenia and did not open a pita stall on the second day, goes to Armavir for a few days to the community’s funds and returns from there a real man, a stall owner and in red moccasins. Unfortunately, not everyone likes it. Recently, for example, the city council of the American Boston, concerned about the lack of bread that was customary for Americans and growing “yeast-rich” in sales, decided to finance the study of this phenomenon. It turned out that 99 percent of the owners of “lavash people” before emigration lived for some time in Armavir. Scientists have already visited the hospitable Kuban land, they took samples of soil, air and water, as well as made selective blood samples from Armenians inhabiting Armavir. Now all these materials are investigated in the best laboratories in the world.

Let’s hope that soon the secret of the Armavir «pita genome» will be revealed and humanity will come close to solving the famous mystery of the «third pigeon Noah.» Indeed, as it is known from the sacred texts, Noah, when the ark sank on the rocks of Ararat, released a dove three times. The first time the pigeon returned with nothing, the second time with a fresh olive leaf, and the third time the pigeon brought hot lavash in its beak and said this famous phrase: “Where to go, brother?” …

Ilya Krishtul

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